apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
