If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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