Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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