I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
