flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
