I can text with my tongue
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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