I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
