I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
