I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
