There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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