There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
