i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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