someone get that fucking seahorse.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
