FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
