____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
