my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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