Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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