its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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