the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
