Sober January is a disaster.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
