he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
