matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
