i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
