Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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