do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
