First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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