I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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