Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
