i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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