You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
