Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
