I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
