They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
