I think im going to throw up on grandma
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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