I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize