he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
