As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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