somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
