The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
