What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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