I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
