I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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