if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
did you just send me my own nude
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
