I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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