Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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