So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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