somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
