Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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