if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He kissed a someone with a penis
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
