So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish my penis had a tongue
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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