it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
