imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
