omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
