Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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