I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
