You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
