I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
