Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
