Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just found puke in my bra..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize