they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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