You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
