remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
