i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
