true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
